It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
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Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
How animals would run if they were human
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A