Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century