My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”