Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
You Might Also Like
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
he was correct
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first