In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
how to exercise your calf muscles
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.