I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Noted.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
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7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
is this store having a stroke wtf
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.