ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
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Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
buys donuts instead
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?