A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
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The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.