I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
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Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Meme Monday.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*