I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”