*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
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me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery