coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
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I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
meow
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.