*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
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I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.