I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
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My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Why soy sad?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.