LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
You Might Also Like
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
The news is so predictable nowadays
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!