My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
You Might Also Like
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.