A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Duolingo getting serious.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
classic mixup
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Room with a view.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses