Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
You Might Also Like
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.