Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.