Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
You Might Also Like
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
that de-escalated quickly
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Cats are still liquid.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…