I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.