Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
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imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
this came to me in a vision
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory