modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
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Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks