She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
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Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
only 11 steps left
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work