Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
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PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
#Caturday
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Nice try, poison.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes