i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
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[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.