YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
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We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people