*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.