I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
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If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I am, perchance
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact