*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
You Might Also Like
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
yea so i messed up lol
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
can’t bark with your mouth full
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.