Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
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Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to