13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.