When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
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*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
This meal prepping shit easy