Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”