me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
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Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
ready to be harvested
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Golf would be better with landmines.