Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
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I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.