Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China