[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
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Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently