Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
The internet is magic sometimes.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
👾👾👾
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
lmfao