The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
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It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.