Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
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incredible text to wake up to
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”