Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Social Media and Real life
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.