I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
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me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
all bases covered
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️