I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Battery falling down a hole
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE