Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Can’t. About to go please some beans
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Siri, fight Alexa.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.