I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
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I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I never needed anything more in my life
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I like long walks away from everyone
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.