*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Hilarious if literal: arms race
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.