wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!