If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
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I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.