Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
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Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.